A Problem Shared: Letting A Boyfriend Stay The Night

A Problem Shared Parenting & Family Advice | by | 30th Jun 2017

young couple for A Problem Shared: Letting A Boyfriend Stay The Night

Is it ok to let your grown up child’s partner stay overnight? One mum has told FamilyPoint that she feels uncomfortable letting her daughter’s boyfriend stay over in this week’s A Problem Shared.

Have your say in the comments section below or on our Facebook page.

If you need some help with any ideas or with any issues that are causing problems for your family why not share with the FamilyPoint Community? You can get advice and support from other parents as well as get an answer from one of our trained and experienced helpline adviser advocates. Click here.

Hi Family Point,

My 17-year-old daughter wants her boyfriend to stay overnight in her room. She’s said that all her friends’ parents let them have their boyfriends stay over. We’ve got a good relationship and I don’t want that to be spoiled but I’m just not sure that I’m comfortable with it. What should I do?

Our FamilyPoint advice on allowing partners to stay over

Thanks for getting in touch with us here at FamilyPoint with your concerns about your daughter and her boyfriend. Many parents will find themselves in the same situation, and there is no right or wrong answer.

It’s great that you’ve got a good relationship with your daughter. At 17 your daughter is no longer a child, she is a young adult who wants to be treated as such. It’s a real positive that she’s communicating with you.

What she will want of course is for you to say “yes” to her request… that’s only normal. I’m sure many of us parents would have loved our parents to allow us to do so when we were that age. However, being told “No” probably didn’t scar any of us for life.

It’s your choice

Saying no, and explaining your reasons for saying no, is quite acceptable. Nobody wants to feel uncomfortable in their own home. But it will be important to know your reasons for refusing her request if that’s what you choose to do. Being told, at the age of 17, “because I said so” is simply unfair and doesn’t show your daughter that you respect her opinion and support her development as a responsible young adult.

If you do agree that her boyfriend can stay over that’s also fine, it’s totally up to you. Not all parents will agree with your choice but it’s your choice and nobody else’s. Don’t feel that you have to justify your decision to others (in particular grandparents who might have very different ideas about what is acceptable.)

Ground rules

If you do agree that he can stay over perhaps you might need to set some ground rules that you both agree on. Maybe a restriction on how often he stays over. There’s a big difference between an occasional visitor and a lodger. Also, maybe a discussion might be needed about acceptable behaviour. Maybe an understanding from you that you don’t just walk into her room without knocking and being invited. It has to be a two way street or it won’t work.

It’s vital that you both know what’s expected or you will feel uncomfortable and there could be resentment that can cause problems further down the line.

FamilyPoint Helpline

If you would like further information on national or local support services, then you can contact us at FamilyPoint Cymru via phone 0300 222 57 57, text 07860 052 905, or IM/Chat. We are open Monday to Friday 9am-5pm.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

The FamilyPoint Team

A Problem Shared… is your space to share both your problems and your advice with the FamilyPoint community.A Problem Shared Sex Talk

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Check out all our ‘A Problem Shared…’ posts for more family advice…

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